Hard Decisions
by xxlovesavetheempty
Summary: It shouldn't be such a hard decision. Anyone who was sane would choose to live, but she had been through hell. Life was hard, and the sea was so comforting. My first ever fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1

Darkness; just overwhelmingly black and . . . warm? Was death supposed to be warm? Sure, Commander Addison Shepard had died once before in space from lack of oxygen, but not . . . well, blown to hell to put in bluntly. This was a completely different feeling altogether; almost as if the past couple of hours hadn't of even happened. Something definitely wasn't right. Was that sand she was clenching in her hands, and that smell . . . cheeseburgers? What the hell was going on?

Blue-Grey eyes shot open and in panic the Commander's hands ran over her legs before moving up to her stomach and eventually found themselves running along her arms. "Legs . . . Arms . . . Face," she muttered, slapping her face gently once or twice before letting out a laugh of relief. "Holy shit. I'm alive." With a grunt Shepard stood to her feet as her eyes scanned her surroundings, only to confirm that something really screwy was going on. Her bare feet sunk in warm sand, her long raven black hair which was usually tied back into a tight ponytail was free and moving with the breeze and her armor was replaced with a plain, white, knee-length dress. If that wasn't enough all Shepard could see for miles in every direction was only ocean and sand; No citadel, no people, not even any rubble. She thought there would at least be some rubble.

It didn't take long for Shepard to fully understand where she was. Truthfully she had never given much thought to life after death as she wasn't exactly the religious type. When you died you died and that was it. Regardless she still held onto the idea of being able to be with passed loved ones for moral's sake, but there was no one and that was discouraging. "This is hell more like . . . and where the hell are those cheeseburgers I smelled? If this is someone's idea of joke I'm going to be so pissed."

Silence followed and with a frown she stormed away from ocean, inland. Stubbornness wouldn't allow Shepard to come to terms with being alone, or even dead for that matter and despite the fact that she couldn't see anything besides sand and water she wasn't going to let that stop her from finding some sort of sign that everything was going to be okay. After what felt like hours of wandering aimlessly Shepard plopped herself back down on the sand and brought her hands to her face with an exasperated sigh. "I have got to be the most unlucky person in the galaxy."

"Siha?"

"Not now Thane," she said rubbing her temples. "I'm thinking." Shepard paused before hesitantly looking to right, her eyes falling on what was either a ghost or her mind playing tricks on her.

Thane Krios, the drell that she had not only had fallen for some time ago but had broken his heart and had watched him be killed right in front her, was standing next to her with that same look of concern that was impossible for her to forget. Shepard had spent weeks convincing herself that she had done right by Thane. She had loved him as best she could, confided in him, sat with him as he died but still felt that twinge of guilt for leaving him for Kaiden. He had always told her he understood. They both knew it was going to have to end soon regardless. Still, staring at him now was nothing short of overwhelming.

"Take a breath Shepard," he said in that same soothing tone she remembered all too well.

Backing away from him, Shepard did just that her eyes never wavering from his, before she stepped towards him again and cautiously ran a hand down his chest as if she were making sure that she wasn't imagining him. She wasn't exactly sure what she was expecting as she did so. Maybe confirmation that he wasn't real; that her mind was making him up as some sort of coping mechanism.

Finally her brain connected the dots and she pulled her hand away with a frown. She remembered the tapes he had left her, the message and suddenly everything seemed to make complete sense.

"I'll meet you at the-" Shepard's eyes wandered to the ocean not to far from her then back at Thane who seemed to be looking at her in an almost apologetic manner. "So that's it then? I'm actually dead . . . Again. Not that I'm surprised. I did kind of blow myself up. So then where are we? Is this heaven? Kind of a lousy excuse for heaven if you ask me. No offense."

Clearly Shepard was rambling, and Thane let her, merely following her back to where the sand stopped and the ocean gently crawled itself over her bare feet as she grew silent again.

"This isn't heaven Siha."

"What is it then? Limbo?" He shook his head not letting his eyes meet hers, which quite frankly confused Shepard only leading her to realize that she still had no idea what was going on.

"This place," he started motioning to their surroundings. "Myself. Just figments of your imagination."

"What . . . is that even supposed to mean?"

"You haven't died and everything you see here isn't real Siha. I'm sorry. Your mind has imagined this place up as a way to escape-"

Shepard scoffed, and rather rudely at that and she crossed her arms. "Escape from what, Thane? I beat the Reapers. I destroyed every last one of those fuckers and now the galaxy is safe. I did good . . . I did my job."

"And in the process you have lost so many loved ones; seen things that take most species centuries to see, within a matter of years. You've always been strong Shepard, but you're not invincible."

It wasn't that Shepard thought that she invincible; clearly she wasn't, and it wasn't like she didn't regret some of the decisions she had been forced to make, but the war with the Reapers had made her hard and maybe a little cold. Sacrifices had to be made, people had die, _all_ synthetics had to be destroyed to be completely rid of the Reapers and while ultimately she had had the power to synthesize with the catalyst or control them she wasn't comfortable with either. There had been too many unknowns.

"So what happens now?" Shepard found herself asking.

"Now you wake up."

"And if I don't want to wake up?" The question confused Thane, that much was clear. "The past couple of years have been hell Thane," she told him with a sigh. "The galaxy is an awful place and I've added too much pain and suffering to it. This is the second time I've nearly died. Maybe that's a sign that it's just time for me to step back and let someone else take over."

Shepard knew that what she was saying didn't make a whole lot of sense. Even she couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. Frankly she had never been one that would just give up when shit got tough, but truth be told that attitude was what got her into this mess in the first place and Kaiden . . . He had lost her twice now. She had put the man she loved in enough pain. Not waking up was probably a kindness.

"If you don't wake up eventually your brain will die, as will this place," Thane said, bringing the Commander out of her thoughts. "Are you honestly prepared to make that decision Shepard?"

Before she had the chance to reply Shepard felt a sudden pain in her chest causing her to collapse to her knees and bring a clenched fist to her heart. "Ah! Shit! What the hell is happening?"

"Do not let her die Doctor! Do you hear me? You do whatever it takes to save the commander," A voice rang.

Shepard looked around the best she could to find the source of the voice fruitlessly, still feeling intense pain in her chest. Her vision began to blur and eventually the pain traveled to rest of her body.

"I'm trying my best sir, but her injuries are substantial. We're losing her fast," another voice responded.

"_Whatever_ it takes Doctor."

"It appears as though you might not have a choice Siha." through partially closed and blurred eyes Shepard found Thane crouched down in front her and felt a dry hand brush her cheek lightly. "I'm sorry." With that he stood and began walking away from her.

"Thane!" Shepard's voice cracked and was weak but she summoned all the strength to shout at her former companion. "Don't you dare walk away from me Thane! Don't you dare-"

There was what felt like one final stab to her chest before Shepard's eyes shot open only to be welcomed by absolute chaos and swarms of people around her. She grabbed the first arm she saw while her other hand grabbed what she assumed was cracked ribs. Never before had she felt this kind of pain before. This was worse than getting spaced. Shepard opened her mouth to try and ask someone what the hell was going on to no avail, but the man that she had grabbed seemed to understand.

"Everything is going to be okay Commander Shepard. My name is Doctor Moore. We're going to get you fixed up," the familiar voice reassured before turning to look at the people swarming around behind. "Someone find me Miranda Lawson and do it now. This one is beyond me," he murmured, assuming Shepard couldn't hear him. She didn't complain however, not like she could anyway. Then without warning that sharp pain in her chest returned worse than before with a vengeance. Doing the only thing she could at the moment, Shepard let out a scream of pain causing every person around her to huddle around her trying as best they could to talk over her screams.

"Give her the sedative now!"

It took only seconds for Shepard's vision to begin to blur again and her breathing to slow back to normal before everything turned black and all was quiet again. Sweet, sweet silence.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

It had been nearly three weeks since the Normandy crash landed; Planet Hell, they called it. Not the most creative name, but it certainly deserved it. Not only was food scarce, but it was a three mile walk to the nearest water supply and the entire crew was growing antsy with each passing day. Morale was low, and Kaiden didn't blame them. Each and every one of them regretted leaving Earth without Shepard. Sure, it had probably been the right call and Shepard would have reassured them of that, but it still didn't sit well with any of them.

Joker had probably taken the hardest hit. Not long after they had crashed and noticed that EDI was gone he hadn't been himself. His constant joking had stopped, and he didn't even attempt to help make the necessary repairs to the Normandy, his "baby", when Tali asked if he wanted to help.

"I'm just the damn pilot. What the hell do I know?" He had stormed off after that and wasn't seen until they put up EDI's name plaque on the wall of the crew deck. Kaiden knew that the others were expecting him to put up Shepard's as well, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He knew that she was back on Earth, alive and safe. In one piece though? That was a different story.

Eventually everyone had turned to Kaiden, hoping there was something he could say or do to make Joker feel better. They had all suffered loss over the past couple of years and he could only guess that Shepard being the most recent he was the only person who could relate, but what was he supposed to say? When he had lost Shepard the first time all he wanted was to be left alone. Even now Kaiden spent hours in her cabin, doing nothing but stare at the name plaque wishing things hadn't always been so damn complicated with her all of the time.

The memories from the night before everything truly went to hell had etched itself into Kaiden's mind. He didn't particularly like the way they had left things that night. He had put Shepard in a pretty awkward position after all . . .

-x-

"Marry me."

The smallest laugh escaped the Commander's lips as she pulled her pants on before she turned her head to look at Kaiden obviously expecting him to be laughing as well. Noting his serious face Shepard turned to fully face him and eyed him carefully as if making sure he wasn't yanking her chain.

"Do what now?" was all she managed to blurt out, rather stupidly.

"I said," Kaiden started grabbing her hand and pulling her back down onto the bed, kissing her hand as he did so. "Marry me." The perplexed look on Shepard's face never faltered and her eyes never left his. The reaction wasn't exactly what he was hoping for, but he knew her. All she needed was a moment to fully digest what he had just asked her and that was exactly what he gave her.

"Kaiden, I-" She stopped herself there only staring, dumbfounded as he did something particularly stupid.

It wasn't a huge diamond. There was no need to put something outrageously flashy on the hand of a woman that would only outshine it anyway. Regardless, he could tell that the small diamond ring he had spent hours picking out on the Citadel and was holding in front of her now had left her speechless.

"Holy shit . . . You're actually serious about this," she finally managed to spit out, her eyes never leaving the ring.

"Well yeah, kinda," he retorted letting out a slightly nervous chuckle. After another minute of silence Kaiden finally put the diamond ring back in the box and tossed it on the desk behind him. She probably was stressed out enough without something shiny staring her in the face.

"So? What do you-"

"I can't," Shepard interrupted. The look of guilt wasn't prominent, but Kaiden could still see it in her eyes. There was very clearly something else going on it that over complicated head of hers.

"This thing between us has just started to get back on track. I'd rather not complicate it with something like that."

"And fighting an insane army of nearly invincible machines doesn't complicate things." That had been a joke, maybe a bad joke, a little bit distasteful, but clearly Shepard hadn't taken it as one.

"I'd rather not bring the Reapers into this."

Kaiden could tell he had struck a nerve, and he only watched as Shepard made her way to the desk and ran her fingers over the small box. Her hands were shaking, something that in all his years of knowing and working with her Kaiden had never seen.

"What is this really about Addi?" he questioned, hopeful that the endearing nickname he only used when they were in private would comfort her in some way.

"The galaxy is always going to need someone to protect it. Even now when we're so close to defeating the Reapers there's always going to be some catastrophic event that's going to need stopping . . . The council didn't do anything to prevent it before. It's gotta be me."

"What does that have to do with marriage? Why can't we do both?"

"It's too dangerous. We can't start a family when we're getting shot at all the time, and I know you. You'd want kids. You'd want to settle down, and I just can't do that."

"So you're telling me that you'd never want to have a baby some day?"

"The galaxy is my baby Kaiden," Shepard retorted, an ill fated attempt of light humor.

It was clear to Kaiden that Shepard was uncomfortable talking about marriage. Although he had to admit; the stroking of the ring box and the opening it to stare at it was giving off mixed signals. As if she could tell that Kaiden was watching her fondle the ring Shepard tossed it back to him with a grin.

"Keep it. Maybe you'll find a nice colony girl to give it too," she joked as she made her way out of the room.

"Colony girls aren't really my type Shepard," he retorted.

It wasn't until he knew that Shepard was gone that Kaiden let out a sigh as he rubbed his temples with his fingers. He would be lying if he said that he wasn't disappointed with Shepard's decision not to marry him. Then again it would be stupid of him to pretend as if he didn't know that she would say no.

Regardless, a lot like the woman he loved, it wasn't in Kaiden's nature to give up after getting shot down. It would take some convincing, but he knew eventually she would say yes. So quickly changing back into his clothes Kaiden set the box down next her terminal before leaving himself. If they made it out of this, he would ask her again.

-x-

"Kaiden, Tali thinks we got the Normandy flight ready again - Oh, sorry . . . Is this a bad time?"

Kaiden's eyes lifted to find Liara standing in the doorway of Shepard's cabin, playing with her fingers, something he noticed she seemed to have a habit of doing when in an uncomfortable situation. He motioned for her to come in, stashing the ring box in his pocket for safe keeping.

"Shepard told me about the um . . ." Liara pointed to his pocket with a sympathetic smile. "She felt bad about turning you down . . . Just thought you would like to know."

"Thanks Liara." Wanting to get past the marriage topic he followed her to elevator, immediately changing the subject. "So Tali thinks we can get off this planet?"

"Yes, but the fixes are only temporary and it's rather dangerous. We don't even know if we will be able to back to Earth. Garrus seems to believe the Mass Relays are too badly damaged from the blast to even get back to the Sol System."

"And what do you think?"

"I think we have to try."

Nodding in agreement the two walked into an already crowded cockpit, with an obviously crabby Joker making preparations to leave the planet.

"You got this Joker?" Kaiden question cautiously. The last thing he wanted to do was piss off the person who was his only hope of getting back to Earth.

"Yeah yeah. I'm depressed, not inept Kaiden," he replied, fingers dancing effortlessly across the Normandy's controls. "Could use some space though guys. Kind of hard to fly the ship with everyone and their grandmother packed in here."

"Right. We'll give you some space," Kaiden reassured with a light pat on the shoulder before filing out with the rest of the crew.

"He'll be okay right?" Tali questioned. Kaiden only gave her a nod. Joker was right. Despite what had happened to EDI, he was a hell of a pilot and if he couldn't get them home, nobody could. Hope was really the only thing keeping Kaiden going at the moment. Hope that they would be able to get back to the Sol System, and hope that somewhere on Earth Shepard was safe and waiting for him.

* * *

I only just now realized how choppy my writing really is . . . Just something to improve on with the next chapter I suppose. I hope what little people read this enjoyed it. / *flys off into the distance*


End file.
